Cycles

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. - Anaïs Nin

This might prove to be a very difficult post. I don't intend to be cryptic, but I will warn up front that I may write with specifics and I may write in vagaries in this post. I do this because I am not sure how I feel about some of these topics. My thoughts will by definition at times be specific and more concrete as I am more sure of these thoughts, or, to use a phrase a good friend and I have used many times, they may be nebulous blobs.

As I have stated in a previous post, I am a 35 year old male. There was a time and place in my life where 35 seemed quite old to me. I am not necessarily talking about years ago. For instance, I recently went roller skating for the first time in probably 23 years at my son's birthday party. After a particularly ungraceful fall after an entire lap and half around the rink, I thought 35 was quite old indeed as I limped around the house.

But I generally don't feel particularly old. I do feel overweight. I do realize my hair is thinning and my hairline is receding. (On a related note, I know where this hair has went in its bold betrayal of me. It hasn't gone far at all. It is growing on my back!) I understand that my children are growing up. I realize that I am not nearly as 'with it' or 'hip' or 'cool' as I thought I would be at this stage of my life. The fact that I use those words should be indication enough to anyone who actually is 'hip' or 'cool' or whatever the current 'cool' people use to describe that state. I understand that my children are facing challenges I didn't have to face in addition to many of the challenges I did face.

While on the topic of children, and in particular my children, I realize that they are not little mini-me's. They don't think like I do. They are individuals. Part of a parent's job, I think is to motivate their children to do things that they may not want to do. Motivation can be positive or negative, and the type and level of motivation they need will be unique. Unique to each child, and even unique to each situation. All human beings share similar needs and desires, but there is no cookie cutter approach to being a parent. Being alert and attentive to your child's moods go a long way in understanding what you can do to 'help' them... even if the best thing for them is to let them work through a challenge on their own.

And this brings me to the kernel of thought that made me sit down to right this post in the first place. Motivation... and parenting. Not so much because of my role as a parent, but my role as a child, and not as a child of my parents, but as a child of God.

Although this is not intended to be a whine-fest, it may sound that way. I feel alone. I have my own immediate family, a lovely wife and children. I have friends and extended family, so I do not feel alone in my day to day life. I see and associate with people every day, so it's not like I'm on a deserted island with only a volleyball to share in my personal successes and failures. I don't feel alone for lack of human contact.

I feel alone for lack of what people refer to as divine guidance. Some attribute that guidance as coming from God. Others may believe it doesn't come from any supernatural force, but from a sense of being... of purpose. I do have purpose! I enjoy life, the good and the bad. I don't live in a world of delusions, where I believe I am due some sort of outlandish success. I get up, I work, I sleep, I eat, I love, I hate, I am human.

I hear people refer to a guiding force in their life. Whether they believe this force is passive or whether they actively seek that force, I cannot understand this. I feel none, whether I seek it or not. I don't believe I am a ship with no rudder, with no means of locomotion, subject solely to the whims of a vast ocean. I can and do exert my own will on at least part of my life through my decisions and attitudes. My life may not amount to much in the estimation of some, but I care little what most others think of my life. My life is mine. The only people I give two hoots about is my wife and children, my parents and siblings, and a few close friends.

So what is it about me that is so odd? Do I feel alone because I fail to recognize this guiding force in my life? Am I an ingrate for not seeing it? Do I desire the sort of rarely wavering faith others profess? The sense that even if I do not see it, I am certain that 'someone' is watching and is concerned and involved in the path my life takes? Of course! Am I ruling out the possibility that the failing is entirely mine? Of course not! I'd even say that this possibility rises to the level of likelihood.

Where things all fall apart is how to do anything about it. I know there are those who will offer advice and point to scripture and prayer. I believe that can work, I truly do. I have had no success in this however. It's not from a lack of trying. Something just seems to get lost in the translation. I have to believe it works, I have to believe that prayer and scripture work, because I have seen the effects it has had on others. I just can't see it in my life.

And that is probably the final result. It's there... I am just blind to it.