Meh.

So I have this good friend who swears up and down that he was the first person to use that 'word'.

Meh.

How can he claim that? I did a web search for the word, and the odd thing is, I can't find any earlier references to it than the early mid-90s... so I guess it is possible he did start it. Possible. But not likely. Just don't tell S.W. that.

In any case, that three letter word fits my mood about now.

Lean closer to the screen, dear reader... I'm about to share a bit of the 'inside scoop on my writing style. It's very 'in the moment' to begin with. Often times when I write, I just let it pour out with very little self-censorship. When it happens like that, when the words just flow as if they have a will of their own, I'm often satisfied with what I have written and I consider the piece 'done.'

Other times, I have to work at it. As if it were a stubborn pack mule, I have to push, pull, prod, cajole, beg or plead the words to come out. There is a point that I realize that it is a lost cause, and that I will have to come back another day to see what there is to learn about myself and the world around me through my writing. These times are painfully obvious because what is on the screen or on the page is so obviously forced that I can't bear to even look at it again, much less try to form it into something I'd want others to read.

So as I sit here on this rainy June day, I felt an urge to write. One of the things about writing I enjoy is the process of getting started. Frequently, the way I get started is to put a word or a phrase in the title that gets my brain working. It's almost summer time! Usually associated with happiness and squeals of joy at the pool or at the park... today, the word that came to mind?

Meh.


Ok, granted... I'm writing this from work. In a job I am grateful to have, but not particularly happy to be at right now. So that could be part of the causative force behind my underwhelming outlook right now.

Cycles

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. - Anaïs Nin

This might prove to be a very difficult post. I don't intend to be cryptic, but I will warn up front that I may write with specifics and I may write in vagaries in this post. I do this because I am not sure how I feel about some of these topics. My thoughts will by definition at times be specific and more concrete as I am more sure of these thoughts, or, to use a phrase a good friend and I have used many times, they may be nebulous blobs.

As I have stated in a previous post, I am a 35 year old male. There was a time and place in my life where 35 seemed quite old to me. I am not necessarily talking about years ago. For instance, I recently went roller skating for the first time in probably 23 years at my son's birthday party. After a particularly ungraceful fall after an entire lap and half around the rink, I thought 35 was quite old indeed as I limped around the house.

But I generally don't feel particularly old. I do feel overweight. I do realize my hair is thinning and my hairline is receding. (On a related note, I know where this hair has went in its bold betrayal of me. It hasn't gone far at all. It is growing on my back!) I understand that my children are growing up. I realize that I am not nearly as 'with it' or 'hip' or 'cool' as I thought I would be at this stage of my life. The fact that I use those words should be indication enough to anyone who actually is 'hip' or 'cool' or whatever the current 'cool' people use to describe that state. I understand that my children are facing challenges I didn't have to face in addition to many of the challenges I did face.

While on the topic of children, and in particular my children, I realize that they are not little mini-me's. They don't think like I do. They are individuals. Part of a parent's job, I think is to motivate their children to do things that they may not want to do. Motivation can be positive or negative, and the type and level of motivation they need will be unique. Unique to each child, and even unique to each situation. All human beings share similar needs and desires, but there is no cookie cutter approach to being a parent. Being alert and attentive to your child's moods go a long way in understanding what you can do to 'help' them... even if the best thing for them is to let them work through a challenge on their own.

And this brings me to the kernel of thought that made me sit down to right this post in the first place. Motivation... and parenting. Not so much because of my role as a parent, but my role as a child, and not as a child of my parents, but as a child of God.

Although this is not intended to be a whine-fest, it may sound that way. I feel alone. I have my own immediate family, a lovely wife and children. I have friends and extended family, so I do not feel alone in my day to day life. I see and associate with people every day, so it's not like I'm on a deserted island with only a volleyball to share in my personal successes and failures. I don't feel alone for lack of human contact.

I feel alone for lack of what people refer to as divine guidance. Some attribute that guidance as coming from God. Others may believe it doesn't come from any supernatural force, but from a sense of being... of purpose. I do have purpose! I enjoy life, the good and the bad. I don't live in a world of delusions, where I believe I am due some sort of outlandish success. I get up, I work, I sleep, I eat, I love, I hate, I am human.

I hear people refer to a guiding force in their life. Whether they believe this force is passive or whether they actively seek that force, I cannot understand this. I feel none, whether I seek it or not. I don't believe I am a ship with no rudder, with no means of locomotion, subject solely to the whims of a vast ocean. I can and do exert my own will on at least part of my life through my decisions and attitudes. My life may not amount to much in the estimation of some, but I care little what most others think of my life. My life is mine. The only people I give two hoots about is my wife and children, my parents and siblings, and a few close friends.

So what is it about me that is so odd? Do I feel alone because I fail to recognize this guiding force in my life? Am I an ingrate for not seeing it? Do I desire the sort of rarely wavering faith others profess? The sense that even if I do not see it, I am certain that 'someone' is watching and is concerned and involved in the path my life takes? Of course! Am I ruling out the possibility that the failing is entirely mine? Of course not! I'd even say that this possibility rises to the level of likelihood.

Where things all fall apart is how to do anything about it. I know there are those who will offer advice and point to scripture and prayer. I believe that can work, I truly do. I have had no success in this however. It's not from a lack of trying. Something just seems to get lost in the translation. I have to believe it works, I have to believe that prayer and scripture work, because I have seen the effects it has had on others. I just can't see it in my life.

And that is probably the final result. It's there... I am just blind to it.

Disenchanted

I will admit that I am not sure how this post will turn out, but I expect that it will likely be the first in several about this topic as we approach D-Day... 4 November, 2008. "D" for decision.

I am 35 years old. I was old enough to vote for the first time in November of 1990. I can't remember details about the election... I couldn't tell you who the candiadates were or frankly if I even voted in the election as I was at college. If I remember correctly, I voted via absentee ballot, but that could just be my mind trying to make up for not doing my civic duty.

Throughout my life, I have always been quite politically minded, and was a bit of a news junkie even at the age of eighteen. I remember listening in to discussions with my Granddad and other family members about the Constitution and the general state of politics as I was growing up. (Ok, fine... that is still a work in progress.) I was raised to have a respect for the governmental system we have in the U.S.A., and to believe that the people we call our Founding Fathers were also worthy of our general respect and admiration. Clearly these men were great thinkers; some may even say they were divinely inspired, and I can easily accept that.

Somehow it is easier to esteem the leaders of the past than it is to do so for the leaders of your own time. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin laid the foundation and set the precedents for the fledgling United States, doing what hadn't been done before in creating a representative government. As we progress down through the history of this country, other leaders rose to the challenges placed before them. Individuals like Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and Franklin Roosevelt each worked through the tough times placed before them with aplomb. As we get closer to the present day, at least in my mind it gets more diffcult to be as magnanimous with the Presidential leaders of the time. You can mention John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan, but you also have Richard Nixon, William Clinton and George W. Bush.

Yes, I am using broad strokes here, each of the last three presidents listed can have red marks attributed to their administrations, but you will find people who may argue that 'the other side' has overstated their particular fault in the matters at hand. Nixon had Watergate, but he also did some good with China. Clinton had the stained blue dress, but he presided over a time of relative economic success. "W" currently has the situation in Iraq, but he helped unite the country, if for a limited time, in the days after 9/11.

As we look to the upcoming Presidential election, I find myself in a quandry. I have voted for a Republican in every presidential election I could vote in. I have voted for a Republican in nearly every state-level election as well. (The only exception was when I voted for Glen Poshard for Illinois State Governor over George Ryan in 1998.)

Here's the meat of this post. I am not in lock-step with the GOP. I consider myself a fiscal conservative. By that, I mean I believe the government should generally cut taxes and cut spending. (A bit of an aside on that here: In order for it to 'work,' both of those steps need to go together.) I believe the government has legitimate reasons for taxing, and also believe that responsible spending is acceptable as well.

When it comes to many of the 'socially conservative' issues, I disagree with the concepts on the grounds that the government needs to keep its collective noses out of people's business. I have my own beliefs on most of the issues at hand, but do not believe it is government's place to legislate them.

So John McCain is the apparent Republican nominee for President. John McCain seems to be a good match for my political views. I can vote for him in November without any major strain to my standards.

Hillary Clinton.... if I may use the vernacular of my teenage years for a moment... PUH-LEEEZE! (insert eye roll here)

But then there is Barack Obama.

He was ranked the most liberal senator last year by The National Journal (http://nj.nationaljournal.com/voteratings/) . There was the American Flag on his lapel controversy, the sermons by his former pastor, and in the last couple of days, he made a comment that many Pennsylvania voters were 'bitter.'

And yet, I may end up voting for him.

I believe Mr. Obama will require at least one full post, so stay tuned...

Baby Steps on the Blog

I decided to start messing around with some of the customization features of this blog. Had quite a bit of fun which just these basic settings.

Despite having quite a lot to do in my life right now, I found some time in the slower moments to think about what I was going to write about in this blog. I did some reading online where they talked about 'how to' blog. As is quite often the case with such articles and books, some were quite specific and some were not much more than to say 'do whatcha want.'

After some not-quite-completely-wasted-time looking at various 'how to blog' sites, I settled on an this approach, which asks two questions:

1) What interests me?
2) What would make anyone care what interests me enough to read about it?

So, before I go any further, I don't care how you found this blog, but if you see something that trips your trigger, whether that trigger is because you agree completely with what I have to say (Which would frankly make me concerned for your state of mind) or whether you think I'm a complete and utter moron for believing such a thing (which will likely be most of you), please... leave a comment and say so. If you have a blog, feel free to link to your blog or vice versa.

As far as what interests me, I'll make it simple. Some people have a problem with 'labels,' but I believe they can have their place. For instance, if labels were all bad, how would you really know you were buying Froot Loops and not Instant Mashed Potato Flakes? And not the good instant potatoes, but the kind that reminds you of the plaster of paris you used in grade school to make the obligatory planet Jupiter? Ewww...

So here's my label: I'm a nerd. Geek. Dweeb. However you slice it, I am one of those guys. I like movies, but not just to watch them. I enjoy the ride home after the movie where everyone is seemingly attempting to recreate the entire experience again. Quoting lines, even acting out your 'favorite scene,' despite the fact that there are six people in a Hyundai, and the movie you just saw was 300.

I used to work AM talk radio. No, no... they were never foolish enough to actually put me on the air. They kept me safely behind the glass and the control board. I was a show producer. Which in layman's turn, means 'the real talent's *ahem* (I can't say the word here... my sister reads this blog, after all. But it rhymes with which).' I made phone calls, screened phone calls, suggested show ideas and potential interviews. You know, now that I think about it, I did pretty much all the work. Waaait a minute! (Just kidding Suzie. I'm sure you did something, I just can't remember any of what you did now.)

Since I worked AM radio, and it was not a sports show, that means one thing. Politics. I enjoy reading about it and discussing it... yes, even arguing about it.

I used to consider myself a conservative, and although my views haven't changed so much, I've realized that what I define as conservative isn't represented by any of the current political parties. I'm sure I'll go into more details about that in a future post.

*sigh* Ok, ok, ok... those of you that DO know me know I'm a big geek about Star Wars. You will see references to Star Wars a lot in here. If you don't like Star Wars, don't worry. I don't like it so much anymore either. (Curse you, George Lucas! Curse you AND Jar Jar!!)

I like computer games. A lot. Too much. Hey... how'd my wife get access to this? I didn't say that! Too much? Hah!

Heh. Hmm. Anyway.

Ok, so there's a start. And yes, I do requests. But I don't do windows.

Ridiculous Beginnings

All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning. Great works are often born on a street corner or in a restaurant's revolving door. - Albert Camus

My younger brother and sister both have blogs. Not just blogs... but quite good ones. The layout on both of them are pleasing to look at and have some neat-o (yes, I said neat-o... what of it?) bells and whistles. Being a self-declared computer geek, I have put off starting a blog until I could one up both of their sites. Then I realized... ya gotta start someplace.

So when I stumbled across the quote above, I decided no time like the present... d*mn the torpedoes, full speed ahead... the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step... you eat an elephant one bite at time... and then I screamed in pain at the overload of cliches and quotations. I wanted to stop the thought process before it went into corporate 'catch-phrases.' I was (more ?) worried for my mental health if heard the voices in my head start saying it was time for me to think outside of the box.

Steve pauses... takes a deep breath, and gets a mental image of everyone reading this blog with a look of horror on their face. He chuckles nervously and attempts a grin.

Just kidding there, folks. Honest.

But in all seriousness, I decided that it was better to start with something to sit on my cyber-laurels and do nothing.

So like it or not, this is the beginning of my blog. It may be ridiculous, but hey... it's me!